Back to the coffee shop this morning, Lord, since I’ve got no idea what Jess is up to today now that her course is finished. I will go home shortly and see what is happening on that front, but I feel that I first need to fortify myself – both with coffee and with you.
I am feeling rather funny this morning, Lord, as though at a crossroads where I can’t quite read the signposts to tell me where to go next (apart from back home). I want to do your will but am not sure I really even know what it is. I am also feeling confused on account of Daniel’s sermon on John 14 yesterday. He talked (as you know) on the recurring theme of peace and not letting your hearts be troubled, and about how this can be a real sign of where we are at in our relationship with you.
This was not good news to me because although I have (almost) prided myself on being in a right relationship with you through this prayer journal, I truly don’t feel peaceful, and at times my heart is very troubled. It seems as though life is littered with problems and concerns, some of them mine, some of them of other’s making, and if I was doing as well with you as I thought I am, should I not feel that peace that passes all understanding in spite of it all?
It makes me wonder which of the two I understand least: you or me? If only I knew whether it is me needing to change (either in thought, understanding or action) or whether it is me not understanding you (either in thought, understanding or action) then maybe I would be okay.
Instead, I seem to get swept along on the wave of whatever the latest crisis is: separation, unemployment, misbehaviour, expectations, guests, ill health, depression and now, even death. Where is the consistency in my walk with you? Why does it sometimes (increasingly) feel as though my prayers fall on deaf ears?
I can’t say I know the answer to any of these questions even if I know, somehow, that the answers to all my questions will ultimately be found in you. Thus, I see that I can do nothing else but keep clinging to you and pray that you will reveal to me what I am supposed to do and when, and continue to pray that you would have your hand firmly on each of the people we know with crises.
Within this group I particularly pray for Cameron (and Ashley) at this time with the funeral coming up tomorrow. No sign of either of them at church yesterday (although that didn’t stop Claire from once again haranguing Daniel as she has heard that he is to take the service tomorrow which she thinks is terrible) so I think Andrew will try and catch up with Cameron tonight just to make sure everything is okay – or as okay as it can be under the circumstances.
I also pray you would grant me some time today to talk with Caroline as I feel a bit uneasy about how much time as passed since we last spoke. Anyway, once again I commit all to you in you precious name…Amen