Morning Lord.  I’ve got Nathan organised with a dvd so I can have five minutes’ peace and so I can try and decide what to do with him for the rest of the day.

As you well know, when I went to get him from kindergarten yesterday afternoon I got taken aside by one of the teachers, who told me that Nathan had been very disruptive during their mat time session, and that they had had to make him sit in a corner.  His inability to keep his hands to himself is really becoming a trying aspect of his childhood, Lord.  The thing is, however mortifying it is to have someone point out the shortcomings of ones offspring, I’m not sure what they precisely want me to do about it.  I’m not there to restrain him.  I tell him how to behave and try and keep him supervised and busy at home.

But honestly, he’s a curious three-year old boy.  What should I do?  Chain him up? Punish him for being himself?  The only thing that really hurts him is lack of television time, but then that creates a problem for me, because sometimes that little bit of television time is the only bit of sanity I get after school.  After all, Emily needs attention too.

Then, to top it off, Emily begged me to let Madison come to play after school, so I could hardly yell at Nathan while Madison was here since she already looks permanently stressed.  I feel very sorry for that child, Lord, not to mention Jess, her mother, who works so hard to try and keep things together for the two of them.  I know I sometimes moan about Andrew – how I wish he would help in the kitchen more, not work late so often, get going with a least some of those home maintenance jobs, send his mother into outer space – but really compared to Madison’s father and all he put those two through, Andrew is a saint.  Thank goodness Tony is now far, far away.  I pray for Jess and Madison, Lord, that you would be with them and watch over them.

Help me to know what to do with Nathan, too.

I pray in the name of Jesus…Amen

Sorry about yesterday, Lord.  I just never got a spare second to write my prayer journal.  Emily had lost her library book for school; the cat was booked into the vet for her annual jabs and, typically, disappeared right at the crucial time; Nathan went outside to ‘help’ and came back covered in mud; the pouring rain meant I spent a good deal of the day juggling limp, damp washing – and the phone just seemed to ring endlessly.  Then, of course, Andrew worked late and the children fought like a couple of street urchins.

On today’s agenda is keeping Nathan entertained inside before kindy this afternoon, drop him off, then hit the shops to try and find birthday presents.  I need to find a present for Faith (shouldn’t be too hard with her love of anything pink, frilly and fairy-ish even though she’s turning eight and seems too old for such nonsense) and (much harder) something for Claire.  What do you buy for a fire-breathing mother-in-law?  A fire extinguisher?  Some more bats for her belfry?  Lord, give me some inspiration!

The first prayer evening is on at church this evening, Lord.  I know I won’t make it, but do be with those that meet, Lord.  I pray people will be motivated to go.  Poor Daniel is trying so hard to get us all on track, Lord.

In Jesus’ name I pray…Amen

Morning Lord.  Thought I would get in early today for a change.  I really do find that the days I pray early go so much better than the days I don’t.  It’s like trying to sneak under someone’s umbrella before it rains rather than dashing madly once the rain has already started.  I like to think of myself as under your protective umbrella, Lord.  Hope you don’t mind.

Besides, I find myself drawn back to talk to you.  It does make me feel better to know I have told you how I feel, rather than just feeling it and not knowing what to do.  I know this is what you want from me, perhaps all you have ever wanted from me, to have a relationship, to have me tell you things.  I hear your call, Lord, and know I need to respond.

Caroline is still going with her prayer journal too.  She told me so yesterday when we met after picking the girls up from school.  She said she had prayed ‘most fervently’ for Trinity, for her piano exam and that you had blessed her with an answer, since Trinity passed with flying colours.  Trinity’s talent is extraordinary, Lord.  Oh, that my children were so blessed.  Emily’s main skill seems to be her kind hearted way, how she keeps befriending children that don’t fit in (just look at Madison!) while Nathan’s major talent is his curiosity – and all that seems to bring him is trouble.

Bless my children, Lord, I pray.

Amen

Afternoon Lord.  Here we are, another day, a day that has more of it over than is still to go, but I did want to check in with you before it disappears completely. 

Thank you for yesterday, Lord.  I can’t say that church was as good for me as it was the week before, but at least Nathan behaved himself, giving Andrew’s parents nothing extra to complain about, and I didn’t feel too bad.  I wasn’t quite sure what to do with Daniel’s sermon on praying together and the need for us to be praying as a church.  I’m only just feeling as though I’ve begun to conquer the praying-at-home thing.  I can see what he wants to do, and the idea of these new prayer sessions is good – but why do they always have to organise these things for times when the average mother (and father) simply can’t get there?  But, really, I suppose I wouldn’t go anyway.  I’d only feel inadequate – and I feel that enough as it is anyway.

One thing I did notice yesterday was Andrew’s sister, Ashley.  I know we don’t have an awful lot to do with her outside of family events, but I noticed she seemed a bit distant.  I hope I haven’t done anything to upset her.  I don’t think I have.  At first I thought she was looking lonely (another single thirty-something for you, Lord) but no, it was definitely distant, aloof even.  So, I pray for her, Lord, not very specifically I must say, but I know you know what is going on in her life and I pray you would meet her needs, Lord.  Maybe a husband would be good?

I pray in Jesus’ name…Amen

Morning Lord.  Another Sunday morning, another mad rush to be at church on time, but after last Sunday – after feeling so much better about church because I’d spent time with you first – I really want a repeat of that experience.  So, here I am, slightly frazzled around the edges, but here and keen to feel right with you.

It’s been a funny week, and my mood has swung like a pendulum.  I worry a bit because I find myself in such a funny space at the moment.  It’s like I just don’t quite know who I am or even what I want to be any more.  I’ve been at home with children for over six years now – first with Emily, then with both, now largely just with Nathan while Emily is off at school – and you’d think I would have got a hang of this motherhood thing by now.  Instead I find myself quite conflicted – torn between wanting time to myself and actually being a better mother.

I suppose I could go back to work and earn more money.  Then perhaps I could look at Caroline’s fine possessions and beautiful clothes without a pang.  I couldn’t go back to being like Linley, single, sleek and climbing the corporate ladder, but maybe I could find something else, some missing level of sanity.

Maybe going back to administration management would help me get more organised at home.  I had such high hopes before I set off on this motherhood journey that all my skills from work would translate into running a home like a well-oiled ship.  Oh, how I hadn’t allowed for the unpredictable, demanding, relentless nature of children, how their routines and needs are the driving force of everything that happens.

But the thing is, I do feel I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, what Andrew and I agreed I would do, even though it has meant sacrificing financially.  I do want to be with my children while they are small – a time that I am now discovering does pass so fast.  It would just be nicer to feel better about it, that’s all.

So, I pray that you would take my muddled, sinful, wanting life, Lord, and restore me to yourself.  Speak to me today I pray.  Ease my weary soul, Lord.

Amen.

Morning Lord.  Sorry about the lack of prayer yesterday.  I never came home after dropping Nathan at kindy.  I just had so many things I needed to get done without his ‘help’.  As it is, I never even made it as far as getting the supermarket shopping done which means Nathan and I have to go and get it done today.  Watch out shoppers, that’s all I can say.

I find it hard to be enthusiastic about this side of being home with children, Lord.  The endless routines, the endless washing, the endless juggling of time, money and mealtimes.  Not being able to please yourself.  Not feeling free.  I think about my brother James, his carefree life and the way he squanders it away on nothing.  I don’t envy him his purposeless, Lord, not really, but sometimes I would like a little slice of that freedom pie.  Same goes for Best Friend Number Two, Linley.

Mind you, speaking of Linley, I suppose I have a small slice of freedom on the horizon tonight, provided Andrew gets home in enough time for me to get out.  Caroline, Linley and I are going out for a rare dessert and coffee evening to catch up.  I have nothing to wear, which is bound to stress me out when the time comes, but I pray that I might a) be able to get away, and b) have a good time with my old friends.

Thank you for the luxury of small treats, Lord.  They are like oases in the wilderness of motherhood.

Amen.