Afternoon, Lord.  Well, here I am, coffee, journal and the sweet sound of silence – not even the washing machine humming.  Andrew is at work, Emily is back with the love of her life, Miss Hollis, Nathan is at kindergarten and Cameron is goodness knows where – out job-hunting presumably.  I sort of expected he would have organised a job to come back to before throwing in his one in Sydney, but apparently not.  It doesn’t seem a very good economic climate to be throwing in the towel, moving countries and starting again.  He doesn’t seem worried though.  I also sort of expected that he wouldn’t necessarily be staying too long, but there was talk of being here “while he gets himself established” which translates at “could be a while” in my book.  I get the distinct impression there is more going on than he’s letting on about at the moment – and that, for whatever reason, he really doesn’t want to be on his own.

Another new development in Daniel’s “get everyone involved” campaign has been (as you know!) that Libby called to ask if I was interested in being involved in a bible study group for mothers with pre-schoolers.  She’d hold it at her house to make things less formal, mothers could bring their children with them (she was proposing a Wednesday afternoon so I would definitely need to take Nathan) and that we would have some sort of casual bible study and talk about things as they relate to us as mothers.  Sigh.

I told her I’d think about it and pray about it – so here I am – thinking about it and praying about it.  On the one hand I’m not sure about the whole idea – managing Nathan, putting up with other people’s children, not knowing who else might be there.  I’m not sure about Libby either, Lord.  I find her a bit aloof.  Nice…just aloof.  But then, maybe she thinks the same about me.

On the flip side it might be nice to have some more biblical input outside of Sunday.  Andrew and I have wanted to be in a home group but it never seems to work out for us, and with him working late so frequently it might be a while before it does work out.  If I’m being really honest it would certainly be a way of avoiding committing to anything else at this point.  Help me to know what to do, Lord.

Libby made an interesting comment.  She said she’d also asked Caroline if she was interested in coming but that Caroline (always a starter for ten) wasn’t sure what with Christian not sleeping very well.  What is going on there, Lord?  I get the distinct impression something is up with Christian (and with Caroline) but I feel as though I’d be the last to know – and I’m supposed to be her best friend!

Better go now, Lord.

I pray all in the mighty name of Jesus…Amen

Hello Lord!  I’m back!  Sorry about the last two days.  Things have been chaotic what with Cameron arriving, then trying to get the kids geared up for the start of the new term.  I wanted to try and find some time to pray yesterday before we went to church, but somehow, with Cameron here, that crazy time before church was even madder than usual.  Since he wasn’t coming with us I couldn’t very well abandon him to get his own breakfast on the morning after his arrival.  It seemed strange enough leaving him to his own devices while we were away, but I’m guessing he was probably glad of the couple of hours of peace.

I’m not sure where he is right now, Lord, but he went off this morning and hasn’t come back.  I can’t help but feel relieved about this since having him in the house without Andrew around does seem a little weird.  In fact it’s weird all round to have him staying but I still get the sense that this is where he should be for now.  On the surface he seems the same old Cameron, glamorous, confident sophisticated, but underneath I sense a new brittleness, as though, like a fragile object, he could break if not handled with care.  I’m torn between feeling a bit sorry for him and just wanting him to leave – and it’s only day two.  I feel much wisdom is required – much more than I’m capable of, sadly.

Church was strange yesterday – maybe due in part to the fact that I did not find time to pray before we left.  After Daniel reminded everyone about the need for us to Get More Involved, he then talked about Nathan, the biblical Nathan as opposed to our son Nathan, and I found myself a bit thrown by the continual reference to a name I know so well.  But it was interesting to hear about Nathan (biblical) and to be reminded of why we chose that name in the first place.  Nathan was such a great friend to David, even to the point of speaking out when David strayed into sin with Bathsheba – and I guess we both wanted for our Nathan something of that quiet strength, faith and loyalty that the biblical Nathan had.

Meanwhile our Nathan seems to be some way off emulating his namesake since Abigail caught him running through the pastoral rooms at the back of the church building where he isn’t supposed to be.  He said (later) that he was just exploring, but of course, knowing his reputation, Abigail automatically assumed the worst.  Daniel seemed to see the lighter side of it, but there’s something about Abigail that has a decided taste for melodrama.  I know I shouldn’t speak of the pastor’s wife in critical terms but really.  Anyone would think she had never raised any children at all, let alone two boys, but then, they are the most studious, virtuous children that ever graced this planet (or so she implies), so what more can be said?

Anyway, it’s a new day and a new term.  I will definitely try to be more patient with everyone, even though demonstrating the fruit of the spirit is not a strength for me.  I asked Andrew what Cameron’s plans are, how long he might stay, but Andrew doesn’t want to ask yet, so I guess I will have to bide my time.

Be with us all I pray…Amen

Morning Lord.  I felt sure that today, the last official day of the school holidays, I’d feel triumphant with the end is in sight and overwhelmed with gratitude that I survived.  Instead I feel worse than ever.

I’m seriously thinking about finding some new best friends (not that anyone would probably have me) since the two I’ve got do absolutely nothing for my self-esteem.  Firstly there was Linley calling earlier in the week to skite about her fabulous legal career (I know, I know, I said I wasn’t phased by this), then yesterday Caroline around telling me about how sad she is that the school holidays are nearly over.  They’ve all had such a fabulous time – done baking, made crafts, spent Quality Time together as a family – that it was a tragedy to think, come Monday, the girls will have to go back to school and leave her bereft at home – just her, Christian, the nanny and the BMW.  As for me I was thinking of having a party, putting up bunting, placing an announcement in the newspaper to express my delight at regaining a bit of ‘me’ time.  I’d even declare a national holiday but for the fact that this would mean the kids would end up still at home.  Instead now all I feel is ashamed.

But Lord, baking with Nathan is about as dangerous as a stint in the Armed Forces, crafts drive Emily a bit insane because she gets annoyed when they don’t turn out to look anything like the picture, and the best Quality Time I’ve enjoyed all week was when the three kids were watching that stupid movie where the father ended up seeing the error of his ways just in the nick of time, and casting aside the blonde bimbo in favour of marriage to his mousy, but far nicer, personal assistant.

I am a sad, bad mother.

Then, to top it all off, to add insult to injury, Cameron arrives tomorrow and I still haven’t cleared the spare room of junk.  Quite where he’s going to sleep at this rate I don’t know.  Thank goodness his flight doesn’t arrive in til late.

I pray I might get twice as much done in half the time today Lord.  Maybe I’ll get the girls to help.  Emily will refuse I am sure, but Madison is so compliant I bet she’ll agree, thus shaming Emily into helping too.

In Jesus’ name I pray…Amen.

Sorry about yesterday, Lord.  As you know (I’m always telling you things you already know – something in the lost reaches of my pre-children brain that craves linear thinking, I suspect) I decided to take the children to the movies to break the boredom and by the time I got them organised, through the movie, around the mall a couple of times, plus lunch, the day was gone.  At least it was a successful outing, even if Nathan constantly wriggled in the cinema seat, then threw his popcorn over the woman sitting in front of him.  Thankfully she was very understanding.  At the very least Emily now has one thing to write about when she goes back to school and is forced to write one of those “What I did in my holidays” stories that doesn’t involve staying home.

Of course with the cost of the movie tickets, candy bar food (surely it’s illegal to charge that much for something as flimsy as popcorn), and lunch out for the four of us (Madison too – and there’s no way I can ask Jess to contribute when I know she watches every penny), we probably will need to take out a second mortgage to pay the credit card bill when it comes in, but oh well, I suppose.

When I got home there were two phone messages.  The first was from Andrew to say he was working late (again!) and the second from Sarah Perritt, Missions leader extraordinaire, wanting to know if I was interested in joining the Missions team at church.  Not a big commitment, she said, but a vital one nonetheless.  Clearly Daniel’s campaign to have us all more involved is rubbing off.  I haven’t called her back yet, Lord.  Again, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say.  Of course I do want to follow you, and I know that will mean at some point I ought to get involved, but to be honest I already feel as though I’m on a mission – a mission to hold on to my sanity and survive the children’s younger years.  Plus Missions!  That’s scary stuff.  I know we need to be willing to do as you ask Lord, but the whole idea of the Mission field is unthinkable.  Besides, I’m definitely not a good enough Christian for that as I’m sure you’ll agree, Lord.

Anyway, better go.  Caroline is coming around with the children for the afternoon and I always feel inadequate if my house isn’t as immaculate as hers inevitably is.

Thank you for your love.

Amen.

Afternoon Lord.  I’m sitting on my bed having five minutes’ peace while the children watch some inane movie about a couple of kids whose mother has died and the father is about to make the biggest mistake of his life by marrying some hideously blonde, buxom and brainless bimbo thus potentially making the rest of their lives hell.  It seems to be keeping them quite bemused even though you could drive a truck through the holes in the plot.  I’m at the stage now, Lord, where I’m grateful for any small mercy, even a cheesy movie.  Only six more days until school and kindergarten resume!

I should be optimistic that the plot of this movie will greatly enhance my standing in their eyes as a mother.  It will clearly show the children some top reasons to be grateful themselves for the mother they’ve got but I’m probably dreaming.  Besides which, I must say I don’t feel a very worthy recipient of their love today.  I feel bad that I’m not more accepting of their childish ways that, at the end of the day, they can hardly help on account of the fact that they are children.  I know I shouldn’t be wishing their young lives away.  Everyone with older children always tell you to enjoy it, that it all flies past way too fast.  I just don’t think they actually remember what it’s like when they say that though, Lord.

Perhaps I’m just feeling a bit down because Linley called to say that, finally, after so long, she has been offered the promotion she has so desperately desired.  It’s the next step to the partnership in the law firm where she works that she longs for.  She was just so excited Lord.  And of course I am pleased for her – after all she has worked very hard to get to this point – but I had nothing of interest to tell her in return.  Managing to make some more progress on getting Nathan to eat properly with a knife and fork is a very small triumph beside something as exciting as a promotion.

Thankfully Madison is making things a little easier on the sibling fight front.  Nathan has decided all girls are dumb and that he’d rather not spend five minutes in the same room as them unless it happens to be the living room and the television is on with something he actually wants to watch.  On the other hand Emily’s room is an absolute sty – wall-to-wall Barbies – but it seems a small price to pay for a temporary cessation in hostilities.

I really do want to be a better mother, Lord.  Grant me this request I pray.

Amen.

Morning Lord… or what’s left of the morning.  Out of desperation, and in order to avoid the children eating way too much sugar laden, chemical ridden snack food, I’ve got them all going on lunch rather early.  I’ll probably pay for it later but it does buy me a small amount of time to spend with you.  That and the fact that, hopefully, by the time they have finished eating, I will have thought of some wonderful activity to keep them entertained.  The weather is not inspiring (not to be rude or anything!), a day where the damp seems to burrow its way through any kind of protection you might wear, and the air has a strange, echoing tone to it.  Even the birds seem to have made other arrangements on how to spend their day.

When I say that I’ve got them all going on lunch that is because, as you know, I have Madison here today.  Hopefully after lunch she and Emily can find something constructive to do that doesn’t involve sibling fights or grievous bodily harm to any thing living or otherwise.  What strange part of my brain was working when Jess asked me if I could have Madison for the week as she has to work I don’t know, but before I knew it, I found myself saying yes.  Of course I’m sure I will pay for it dearly in all sorts of ways including the obvious monetary one.  There’s something about that poor child that brings the sympathy in me to the surface and I find myself wanting to do for her what I frequently deny my own children.  Isn’t that strange?

Caroline called.  She sounded unusually fractious.  Apparently she went to church on her own again yesterday and when she came home Logan had let the children run riot.  She was seriously unimpressed.  Seems to have taken his eye off the ball a bit lately, old Logan.  He usually bends over backwards (if you’ll pardon the expression) to make sure Caroline is happy.  Caroline said Daniel talked again about us all getting more involved in the church fellowship.  Thankfully I think I have dodged Diana.  She hasn’t called again.

I suppose the only other thing of significance that has happened over the last twenty-four hours is my brother and his girlfriend turning up late last evening unannounced.  Of course that meant I had to invite James and Jasmine for dinner, another thing I found myself doing more from duty than from joy.  Not that I don’t love my brother, Lord, even if he isn’t the slightest bit interested in our faith, and his life is shallow beyond all reason.  Why Jasmine stays with him I just do not know.  They’ve been together for an age and no hint of him proposing or even of them moving in together.  Instead he lives in a dingy flat and she shares an apartment with Imogen, who talks like she’s inhaled helium and whose conversation skills are equally light and fluffy.

Of course James teased both the children mercilessly which probably accounts for why they are so untameable today, and I did my best to be friendly to Jasmine, but in all truth Lord, I don’t think she likes me much.  Not sure why.  I’ve always tried to be friendly, nary a hint of any jealousy since she is gorgeous with all that cascading black curled hair.

Anyway, Lord, looks like the lunch party is over so that’s me for today.  Be with me I pray.  At the moment, with one week of the school holidays still to go, I think I need all the help I can get!

Amen

Morning Lord.  A small sleep-in this morning on account of the fact that we aren’t going to church again.  Same reason as last week, Lord.  I must confess it is nice to not have to rush.

I find myself in the rare position of being thankful for our visit to my parents’ house yesterday.  Yes, there was the world’s weirdest afternoon tea food to endure, and yes, my mother hasn’t done any house cleaning since 1972, but it was a strangely nice afternoon.  I’m not sure if it was because I suspect my mother and father aren’t actually speaking to one another (I couldn’t tell for sure, but conversation between them was limited to the absolute minimum – however they could have simply agreed to be on their best behaviour for a change) and therefore there was no squabbling.  I’m not sure whether it was because my father is still waiting to hear back from the council about his latest submission regarding the bypass and is therefore in some strange bureaucratic limbo.  Perhaps it was just a sunny afternoon and the children were happy to be out of the house and somewhere other than home that made them more amenable, but – miracle of miracles – we actually had a good time.

My father took Nathan out to look at the mysteries of his shed, at all his woodwork tools (another of life’s ironies – a tree lover whose hobby is woodwork!) and current projects on the go, and it was lovely to see the two of them bond, to see Nathan actually engaged in something positive that he clearly found interesting.  I suspect he would find kindy and Sunday School a lot more interesting if there were more opportunities for exploring, poking, prodding, cutting, banging and crashing.

So thank you, Lord, for small mercies and tender blessings…in Jesus’ name…Amen