Morning Lord!  Apart from the fact that I’m reeling over the realisation that it’s the last day of February (already!) I’ve also just realised that I have to have the whole family ready to go to church in less than fifteen minutes.  Consequently, the nice leisurely ‘get right with God’ time I envisaged has been downgraded to,  “Here I am, Lord.  Forgive me my sin, and cleanse me from all unrighteousness for your namesake.”

I pray you would be with our family today as we fellowship.  Speak to our hearts through your word.  Help the children make good choices.  Be with Daniel.  Forgive my rush.  Amen….and see you tomorrow…I hope!

Morning Lord.  Here I am still tucked up in bed at nine in the morning so I thought I should not be entirely remiss but take some time to spend with you.  It’s a bit of a slow news day for a change (a most welcome change!) although the fact that Andrew insisted he get up and see to the children this morning probably should make the front page of the local newspaper at the very least.  I think he figures I must need a bit of a treat – most likely on account of all the moaning I’ve been doing – so I can hear him in the kitchen trying to make pancakes with the children.  I must say it is nice to hear them all laughing together.

Having said that it does make me realise that I need a bit of laughter myself.  Solomon certainly had something when he wrote,  “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”  Andrew would heartily agree since he’s often telling me,  “Lighten up!”  It’s just hard to feel cheerful when surrounded by so many difficulties.

We haven’t got any plans for today so perhaps it’s timely to have a break from the usual humdrum and do something different for a change.  Summer is still holding on tight so the weather is no obstacle.  We could go to the beach, or the zoo, or on a small bush walk.  Somewhere outside, just the four of us.  That might be really nice (as long as the children behave!).

The only other thing I need to think about today is Jess.  Madison let slip last night that it’s Jess’s birthday tomorrow so I’ll have to think about what we could do to try and make the day a little bit special.  What you buy someone like Jess I can’t imagine.  And where she even buys half the stuff she wears is beyond me.  Maybe I should see if I can find out what skin care products she uses and get some of that.

Anyway, Lord, in order to keep myself semi-cheerful I will once again pray in the briefest way for our family and friends in need.  You know each of their situations more intimately than I ever will anyway, so I pray you would bless each, provide their needs, and extend to them the grace to get through their own particular problems.  Bless our family today I pray…in your name…Amen

Morning Lord!  Here I am back in the coffee shop for a quick respite break before returning home to a jubilant Jess…I still can’t believe the news that she has found a new job!!  It is incredible how it’s happened, and surely much more than the coincidence Jess claims it to be.  What a story!  How she was sick of being turned away from suburban cafés who either had no work or turned up their nose at her appearance.  How she went into the city and found this café just about to open on Monday, right by the University – a hip new café designed to attract the student crowd – who loved Jess’s look as being just right – and who had just heard, not half an hour beforehand, that one of the staff they had hired got a better offer and wouldn’t be starting.  How Jess arrived at the right place at the right time with just the right look, to be offered a job with just the right hours.  All I can say is that you must have been behind that, Lord.  That’s no coincidence.

So, as I say, Jess is jubilant, and not only that, she seems to have had some faith in herself renewed.   Since the facilitators at the course she went to took her self-esteem away by making it abundantly clear that everything about her was unemployable she has been low.  Instead, it was this objectionable point of difference that made all the difference.  Who would have thought it?  Well, you, of course.

Naturally this does not mean that Jess and Madison will be moving out in the next five minutes, but it is a large step in the right direction.  Speaking of which, I’m reminded of Jasmine who is also contemplating a large step, although whether it is in the right direction or not I still don’t know.  Bible Study was fun yesterday and I found myself quite enjoying the calligraphy session with Jasmine and must say I saw a whole different side to her in her professional capacity.  She really is extraordinarily talented, so much so that it seems a shame for her not to pursue bigger and better things elsewhere.  I tried to fish to see if she’d made up her mind about her next course of action but all she would say was that Wellington was unexpected, and that she was still thinking about it.  The company who want to hire her don’t seem to be pressurising her into making a quick decision but maybe it’s not their influence she’s waiting for.  I must phone that brother of mine and tell him to grow a spine and tell her how he really feels before it’s too late.

Meanwhile, Nathan was surprisingly well behaved at Bible Study and even played nicely with some of the younger children.  When I confessed what was going on at kindy (as I said I might) a whole raft of useful suggestions came forth about how to deal with the issue, which was tremendously encouraging.  It’s amazing how people can have so many different ideas and opinions, and when given in a friendly take-it-or-leave-it manner it makes you see all sorts of other possibilities.

Anyway, coffee’s gone so I had better get rolling.  Thank you Lord, for your many blessings and for some good news for a change.  Please continue to have your hand on my usual list of suspects!  Amen.

Bible Study day today!  I must say I am really looking forward to getting together with everyone again after the long summer break.  Of course it is only going to be a social get-together and a chance for Libby to spell out where she sees us going over the next few months, but it will be good all the same.

I guess the only small fly in the ointment is that Jasmine is coming along to give us all a calligraphy lesson.  It goes without saying that I will be very bad at this, but more to the point is the fact that this will be the first time I will have seen her since she came back from Wellington last week.  What with Bryce’s death and all the subsequent drama, I really hadn’t given much thought to whether Jasmine has decided to accept the offered job or not, or for that matter whether my feckless brother has leapt into action to prevent such a crisis from occurring.  I guess I will have to surreptitiously try and find out what’s going on if she doesn’t make it clear when I get there.

Meanwhile, I haven’t asked Dad if he wants to have Nathan on Thursday afternoons so I guess I will just have to wait and see how he behaves today.  I’m still very undecided about what to do about Nathan and kindy too.  On the one hand I have my suspicions he is being singled out by Andrea, and deliberately persecuted for his bad behaviour rather than being praised for his good behaviour.  On the other hand I’m not sure that moving him somewhere else is entirely appropriate either.  Life (as I am very much aware) is full of problems, and the answer isn’t always to run away.  Nathan does need to learn to behave better.  I guess, Lord, the problem then is whether I am doing a good enough job as a mother to teach him to make good choices?  I pray for your wisdom in this area.

Maybe the other mothers at Bible Study will have some good ideas.

Anyway, I had better get going.  I pray for your hand to be on our group today, that we would be a good witness to Jasmine, and that you would have your hand on Nathan so he behaves.  I continue to pray for your provision and blessing for Caroline in this difficult time; for Jess as she job hunts; for Cameron (and Ashley) in the days following the funeral; and for a bit of common sense/salvation for Linley.  I also (so remiss!) pray for the salvation of my own children and for your hand to be on Andrew and his ever-divided loyalties of home, work and friends.  I pray all in your mighty name…Amen

Morning Lord.  Well, here I am feeling quite drained, and more tempted by the idea of lying on the bed and having a nap than writing in my prayer journal.  But I know from past experience that spending time with you is more beneficial than any nap even if I have to force myself into it.  I know that hardly sounds grateful, but as I said right in the beginning, I want to be honest and not cover up my thoughts and feelings with a whole pile of pseudo-Christian mumbo jumbo.  I hope I’m right in doing so.

In light of this I won’t apologise for not spending time via my prayer journal with you yesterday.  Hopefully you caught my ‘wing and a prayer’ efforts anyway.  It truly was a difficult day from beginning to end – starting and finishing with my children, events that sandwiched a whole raft of negative stuff in between.

Of course the big thing that dominated the day was Bryce’s funeral which I have to say was one of the bleakest experiences of my life.  Not only was there very little to be said in terms of celebrating his life, but there was none of that optimistic ‘see you on the other side’ feeling that you get from a Christian funeral.  Top that off with a small attendance, most of whom were friends and associates of Bryce’s from the streets (half of which have little or no relationship with such things as showers, soap or laundry powder) and the undignified bun-fight afterwards where the guests stormed the morning tea like they’d never seen food before, and that about describes it.

Well, perhaps that wasn’t quite all because then there was Cameron who looked floored by the whole thing even though Bryce had lived life dicing with death for years.  I suppose there’s something about the death of a sibling that makes our own mortality just that more real.  The loss of a grandparent is sad, but we accept it as part of the fabric of life (especially if they’ve had a good innings), and maybe ditto that for parents as long as they don’t go too soon.  But a sibling?  That just starts getting a bit too close to home.

I guess it also dredged up a lot of memories about the past, about the loss of their mother, the years of abuse at the hand of their father.  I talked with Ashley at the morning tea (gladly, had she not been the safest person there to talk to anyway) and she said that Bryce’s death had started Cameron talking about some of the things they had endured as kids and how he feared he might never overcome some things he went through.  I could see by the way she talked how serious she is in trying to make their relationship work, and I could see the fear in her eyes that these wounds from the past might get in the way of that.  Certainly Cameron’s track record where women are concerned has not been pretty.

However, things are different now.  Cameron is determined to stop running and I pointed out to her as we talked that he was in fervent conversation with Daniel, showing he has new supports and a burgeoning faith that surely must go a long way towards making new and different choices for the future.  It was hard to know what else to say, and at this point all I feel I can do is pray for your hand to be on both Cameron and on his relationship with Ashley.

On top of this (and the children fighting – with each other and with Madison) I also had alarming conversations on the phone with both Linley and Caroline yesterday.  Linley informed me she’d won some money at the casino and when I pointed out the folly of gambling, especially in her precarious financial situation, I was told I had no idea what I was talking about.  She made me feel snippy and buttoned up, as though I’ve become so mumsie that I don’t understand the real world and wouldn’t have a clue how it works.  Funny how people who say that are often actually the ones who don’t understand the real world.  I am concerned for her, Lord, and pray that you would grant her some much needed wisdom to not make bad choices – and end up back staying with us – or worse.

As for Caroline, she was distraught because there’s been quite a bit of interest in the house, so much so that there seems little doubt it will sell.  Trinity’s piano has also sold but Caroline can’t find the courage to tell her that it will be leaving in the weekend.  Faith has been in trouble at school for telling lies and Christian’s sleeping has suddenly got so much worse that it’s a joke calling it sleep – it’s more like glorified napping.  Logan was supposed to see the children in the weekend and never showed.  Trinity has been barely speaking.  Plus, Caroline’s realised that if the house does sell (which is looking increasingly likely) she doesn’t have anywhere to go because, as luck would have it, her parents are off overseas for a couple of months on a long-booked holiday, and they have arranged for extensive house renovations to be undertaken while they’re away, rendering their house unliveable.

So, as I say, I’m feeling a bit drained by all of this negativity and can only lift it all (once again) before you and trust (once again) that you would please sort out all of these messes.  I keep thinking that if only I was a better Christian there might be a better outcome of my prayers so I pray that you would not let my measly efforts be the barrier to real help coming to those I know who are in need.  Amen.

Back to the coffee shop this morning, Lord, since I’ve got no idea what Jess is up to today now that her course is finished.  I will go home shortly and see what is happening on that front, but I feel that I first need to fortify myself – both with coffee and with you.

I am feeling rather funny this morning, Lord, as though at a crossroads where I can’t quite read the signposts to tell me where to go next (apart from back home).  I want to do your will but am not sure I really even know what it is.  I am also feeling confused on account of Daniel’s sermon on John 14 yesterday.  He talked (as you know) on the recurring theme of peace and not letting your hearts be troubled, and about how this can be a real sign of where we are at in our relationship with you.

This was not good news to me because although I have (almost) prided myself on being in a right relationship with you through this prayer journal, I truly don’t feel peaceful, and at times my heart is very troubled.  It seems as though life is littered with problems and concerns, some of them mine, some of them of other’s making, and if I was doing as well with you as I thought I am, should I not feel that peace that passes all understanding in spite of it all?

It makes me wonder which of the two I understand least:  you or me?  If only I knew whether it is me needing to change (either in thought, understanding or action) or whether it is me not understanding you (either in thought, understanding or action) then maybe I would be okay.

Instead, I seem to get swept along on the wave of whatever the latest crisis is:  separation, unemployment, misbehaviour, expectations, guests, ill health, depression and now, even death.  Where is the consistency in my walk with you?  Why does it sometimes (increasingly) feel as though my prayers fall on deaf ears?

I can’t say I know the answer to any of these questions even if I know, somehow, that the answers to all my questions will ultimately be found in you.  Thus, I see that I can do nothing else but keep clinging to you and pray that you will reveal to me what I am supposed to do and when, and continue to pray that you would have your hand firmly on each of the people we know with crises.

Within this group I particularly pray for Cameron (and Ashley) at this time with the funeral coming up tomorrow.  No sign of either of them at church yesterday (although that didn’t stop Claire from once again haranguing Daniel as she has heard that he is to take the service tomorrow which she thinks is terrible) so I think Andrew will try and catch up with Cameron tonight just to make sure everything is okay – or as okay as it can be under the circumstances.

I also pray you would grant me some time today to talk with Caroline as I feel a bit uneasy about how much time as passed since we last spoke.  Anyway, once again I commit all to you in you precious name…Amen

Morning Lord.  I’ve woken up early (as you know) so thought I would start as I mean to begin – with you.  Sorry about yesterday.  The whole day was a bit of a write-off.  It’s funny how one little thing – like not being able to sleep overnight on Friday night – can have consequences that last all day.  I was awake for hours, then finally fell back asleep at about six o’clock in the morning, then slept in badly.  It was all down hill after that, especially since Andrew spent most of the day with Cameron.

I couldn’t sleep because I was running over my head (again) the whole conversation I’d had with Emily’s teacher about Emily’s behaviour both in class and out of it, especially in relation to Madison.  Miss Rodgers described a child I’ve never met before, one who is wilful, disobedient, rude, uncaring, unfeeling and generally unpleasant.  Madison, on the other hand, is a Poor Unfortunate who needs to be nurtured, comforted, coddled and protected.  When I pointed out that we have Jess and Madison nurtured, comforted and coddled under the protection of our very roof, and the difficulty therein of making things work, I was informed by the elderly spinstery Miss Rodgers that my parenting needed work.  What a cheek!  I never thought I’d say this, but bring back Miss Hollis (Educational Goddess).  At least she had some compassion and understanding.

And then I was awake thinking about Cameron’s brother.  I didn’t know him but the whole situation seems very sad, Lord.  Apparently (as you know) Bryce was staying in some sort of half-way house, the sort of place that provides sheltered accommodation to people who can’t seem to manage living a life of responsibility.  According to the manager they have pretty strict rules, some of which Bryce struggled to abide by, and in consequence he came and went a great deal.  It seems as though the staff genuinely wanted to help Bryce, but that Bryce hadn’t reached the point where he wanted the help enough to accept it.

However, he was at the half-way house when he died which, according to Police, makes things much simpler than if he had died on the streets.  For a start he was easy to identify, his movements were easily accounted for, and he died overnight in his bed which would appear to rule out foul play.   The attending physician suspects it was actually a heart attack that killed him, brought on by years of abusing his body with all manner of chemicals, but the pathologist’s report won’t be out until Monday so that everyone can know for sure.  The funeral is being planned on Tuesday on the basis of this outcome.

Meanwhile, in case Andrew felt as though he got the short end of the stick yesterday, things were no picnic here.  Jess seemed very depressed and didn’t appear to be paying much attention to anything, including Madison, and as a result Madison was bored and sulky.  She parried this boredom and sulkiness like a sword, constantly prodding both of my children with it in an attempt to elicit a reaction out of someone.  Of course this worked a treat and Emily not only rose to the bait, she drew out a sword of her own.  Truly I have never seen her so riled up.  Her voice went up about ten octaves as she shouted for Madison to get out of her room and leave her alone.  This was followed by a shocking display of bad temper, but if nothing else it did show me that Emily’s behaviour is not entirely without provocation, and that while Madison might look as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, she does contribute in a large way to the outcome for Emily.

The whole thing is what to do about it.  With Jess so depressed and broke I can hardly ask the two of them to leave.  All I can do is pray for some way of escape (and quick) together with a request for some encouragement at church this morning.  I pray you would bless our time together as a family there this morning.  Better go…the kids are up and I need to be there to play referee…Amen

I come to spend some time with you this morning, Lord, with my mind reeling over the news of Cameron’s brother’s death.  I mean, I know Bryce was really mixed up, and that the experiences of his childhood drove him into drugs.  I know that he hasn’t been doing well what with all that trouble last September (not to mention years before that) so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.  I guess it’s all the more shocking because of his relatively young age, because his life was so sadly ruined, and because the very thought that the same demons that drove Bryce are the same ones that pursue Cameron is too much to bear.

Poor Cameron is devastated (and probably for all those same reasons I just listed) so Andrew has taken the day off to support him.  I pray most fervently that you would be with the both of them as they spend time together and deal with all that needs to be taken care of today.  Give Andrew the wisdom he needs to have the words to say to comfort Cameron.  I also pray you would extend your grace to Cameron at this time, and that this would cause him to draw closer to you, not run further away.  I pray his fledgling faith would be sufficient to sustain him through these next hours, days and weeks.

Life is so fragile, Lord.  We all think we’ll last forever until confronted with the grim reality of death.  I’m also finding it hard that this is yet another difficult thing happening to those around us.  When is it all going to stop, Lord?

I also need to talk with you about Emily and her school situation, but not today, Lord.  My mind is just too jumbled.  I do pray, though, that your hand would be on both of my children today, and beg that neither would get into any more trouble, because I just don’t think I could handle it…Amen