Well, Lord, here we are at the end of my second month of prayer journaling.  I’ve just had a look back from the start on the first of June and I’ve come to a realisation – well, three realisations really.  The first is that I find myself really looking forward to spending time with you in this way, Lord.  I actually find it hard to miss a day now, although I know that we both know that sometimes every day just isn’t practical.  I know I can always just talk to you, that I don’t have to write everything down, and if I didn’t have such a butterfly mind that would be great.

The second thing I realised is how little I feel like I actually pray for things or ask for things.  I’m neglectful about praying for others in any meaningful way and there are things I should be mentioning all the time, like asking for the salvation of my children, or for healing for those unwell, or praying for those in ministry.  Instead I just seem to ramble on about those people that make up my little universe.

I feel as though I am still far from you, Lord, although I know I’ve got a bit closer.  I know that there’s still big parts of my life that are, quite literally, on the run from you.  But over all this, and in spite of my fear, I want to go deeper, Lord.  I just don’t really know how.

So, Lord, I then come to my third realisation, which is just how much a lack in resources as a Christian.  I do want to do better.  Show me how, Lord.

I commit myself to you, Lord, in the name of Jesus….Amen

Well, Lord, here I am again after yet another missed Wednesday.  Strange day, yesterday.  Maybe it was strange because I failed to pray, but I suspect it would have been strange anyway.  It was another day of phone calls, each bringing with them a new revelation of some kind (although I suppose that’s the point of people phoning – most people call only when they want something or want to tell you something – probably much the same as most people who come in prayer to you!)

Caroline called.  She wanted to know whether I’d decided to join Libby’s Bible study group or not.  I told her I was still undecided.  I took the opportunity to ask, casually, whether things were all right with Christian.  She was a bit snippy with me about this, Lord, as though she didn’t want me to know anything about it, but in the end she confessed that Christian wasn’t sleeping well at all – he either won’t go to sleep for absolute hours or he falls right off to sleep only to wake at two or three in the morning either screaming in pain or just lying there in the dark, killing himself with hysterical laughing.  Wonder what that’s all about.

Cameron got two calls – one to say he’d been unsuccessful for a job he’d gone for, one to ask him for a second interview.

Claire called.  She wanted to know if I had seen much of Ashley lately.  She wanted to know how much longer Cameron would be staying.  She wanted to know whether Andrew was getting enough sleep because she thought he looked a bit tired.  Belatedly, she thanked me for lunch on Sunday, then wanted to know whether I’d bought that cake I served up because it had a strange aftertaste.  The cheek.

Andrew called to say he would have to work late again.  That made Emily cry and not want to go to bed.  She said she is sick and tired of going to bed without him there to kiss her goodnight.  I could have cried myself.  Thankfully, Cameron smoothed everything over by reading her a bedtime story – he was really nice with her and I suddenly saw him in a whole new light.

And lastly, when the chaos of the day seemed over, Ashley herself called.  She started off by being most apologetic about having been a bit distant of late (Distant!   There are planets closer!) but it wasn’t us, Andrew and I.  She said she was sick of all the flak coming from Ma and Pa Copeland over her not being married yet.  She’s been going odd Sundays to a new church, and didn’t want them to know.  Then she asked if she could come and stay for a few days.  She and Gretchen (her grouchy flat mate who looks like she eats a steady diet of lemon-peel sandwiches) have to move out of their apartment for a few days while it gets repainted and the arrangements she had made have fallen through.    She wants to come on Saturday!  She said she wouldn’t ask unless she was desperate, so of course I have said yes, although where we’ll put her I don’t know, since the chances of Cameron being gone by next Tuesday are infinitesimal.

Give me strength, Lord!

Amen.

Morning Lord.  Yes, that’s right, morning!  I couldn’t believe it when my father called and wanted to take Nathan off for a little excursion this morning to the hardware shop then back to my parents’ house for some more messing about in Dad’s workshop.  Says he’ll have Nathan back in plenty of time for kindy this afternoon so that gives me not only the morning but a good chunk of the afternoon as well all to myself.  But you first, Lord, you first.

I tell you, I was so touched to see my father taking Nathan off.  All those years between them, but it was hard to tell which of them seemed more excited.  I hope this might be the start of something new and positive for Dad.  I’ve seen his life erode over the years.  Old photos of him as a young man show him looking strong and optimistic, his whole life ahead of him containing who knew what adventures.  Instead, he married Mum and ended up, well, settling.  I’m not sure either of them has been good for each other.

It seems to me that both of them have given more away in their marriage than they have gained.  I get the impression that my mother used to have much higher expectations of her life than she has now.  I remember her telling me that she met Dad when she was nursing, at a nurse’s ball, that she looked over at him and felt sure she’d found the doctor of her dreams, only to find out that he was just a humble cabinet maker.  It could well be that she settled every bit as much as Dad did.  I gather her parents were too busy trying to keep them all afloat to give her much emotional support, so maybe she married the first person to pay her attention.  Now look at her – chaotic and not terribly interested in taking care of Dad.

As for Dad, he might have had humble roots but he’s always had strength and integrity.  The strength has gone now in a way – I can see that Mum has chipped away at this with the way she is.  He’s still got that integrity but that gets channelled into fighting local government and bureaucracy these days.

Bless Nathan’s time with Dad, Lord.

Meanwhile, Cameron is on his way to another job interview (please, oh, please, Lord, find him a job) and the rest of the family are where they should be.  Be with them all. I pray.

In Jesus’ name…Amen

Monday afternoon, Lord.  Blessed silence.  Andrew at work, kids at school and kindy, Cameron at a job interview and even the cat seems to have taken herself off for an afternoon cruise of the neighbourhood.  I pray that you would be with them all, but most especially with Cameron as he goes to his job interview.  I pray that these prospective employers might think Cameron God’s gift (oops, your gift) to the world of investment analysis…not that anyone seems to have any spare money to invest these days.

It’s been a funny old morning, Lord.  Daniel’s precursor speech yesterday about reminders to Get Involved obviously found their mark since Diana called to see if I’d thought any more about being involved in Sunday School, Sarah called to see whether I’d decided on joining the Missions team, and Libby called to remind me of her offer to host a mothers’ bible study group at her house.  Lord, I found it very difficult to know what to say to any of them – the first two because there really is no polite way to say “No chance” without dreaming up a raft of lame excuses – the third because I genuinely don’t know if what Libby is proposing would be right for me (not to mention Nathan).

Libby did say that Caroline has agreed to join, as have a couple of the other mothers from church, so I guess at least her quest to draft people in hasn’t been in vain.  I guess there could be some advantages in being involved.  I just worry that the other mothers will discover a) what a rotten Christian I am and b) what a rotten mother I am.  I’m not sure I’m up to having all my weaknesses so publicly exposed, Lord.

Then there’s the question of your will, Lord.  I want to do what you would have me do.  How do I really know what this is?  There’s no big neon sign telling me,  “Join this, don’t join that”.  In the absence of such signs, how do I know what you would have me do?  I don’t really understand what my purpose is, Lord, although I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to have one.

It makes me think of Ruth, Lord.  Daniel talked about her at church yesterday – part of a series Daniel is running on characters from the Bible I’m figuring.  The thing that struck me about Ruth was that she seemed to know what she should do.  Her husband had died (an event sure to set a woman at sea) but she seemed to know that going with Naomi was exactly what she should do.  This meant virtually turning her back on all she had ever known.  How was she so sure?

All I seem sure about is what I don’t want to do.  I don’t want to be a bad mother, I don’t want to be a bad wife, I don’t want to be involved in Sunday School or Missions, I don’t want to feel useless and I don’t want to feel just a little bit lost.  And I definitely don’t want to have to spend any more time with my in-laws than is really necessary.  William went on and on over lunch yesterday about Ashley, about her single state and how worrying it is that, at the ancient age of 34, she is still not married.  I’m sure they would also have gone on and on about Cameron and how much they disapprove of him too, but for the fact that he was there right in front of them.

If you could help make my life a bit more clear, I would really appreciate it Lord.

I pray in Jesus’ name… Amen

Morning Lord.  Furtive bathroom prayer again this morning on account of the fact that time is running out before we go to church and I’m not in a good frame of mind just right now.  For a start my good intentions where Cameron is concerned got slightly blown out of the water because I sort of lost it with Andrew last night.  I just got so mad, Lord.  The two of them spent the whole day together doing goodness knows what.  Andrew took Cameron off for the day, leaving me to look after the kids while they had some “man time” together.  No thought for if I needed a break.  No thought about whether the children might like to see their father.  No thought about delving under the bonnet of my car to find the cause of the mysterious noises.

Then, to top it off, I discover he has invited his parents for lunch today after church, an event for which I am quite unprepared.  Apparently (and you’d know more about this than I would, Lord) they bumped into Ma and Pa Copeland somewhere on their day out (Where? The Bat Cave?) and the invitation just sort of slipped out.  Slipped out?  I ask you!

Anyway, Lord, we’re off shortly and I don’t want to be standing in church fuming so I pray for your peace, your peace that passes all understanding.  In fact, make that a double.

Forgive me for my sin.  I realise I need to be more understanding and more patient.  I just wish some people would be more understanding and more patient about me!

In Jesus’ name…Amen

Friday, Lord.  I don’t want to sound hard to please or anything, after being desperate for the school holidays to be over, but I find myself strangely looking forward to the weekend so that Andrew will be around to help shoulder some of the load of keeping Cameron entertained.  Hopefully it will also give Andrew the chance to look at my car that has started making some strange sounds.  I’m quite sure Caroline’s BMW has never given her a moment’s trouble while mine has a secret crush (I am sure) on our mechanic and spends much of its fallow time coming up with new excuses for another visit.  I simply can’t understand how you can drive a car one day, then go to start it the next only to find a whole new set of symptoms have appeared.

As you know (!) Andrew worked late again last night so I found myself having to entertain Cameron who seemed to be in the mood for chatting – including right through my favourite television programme time.  Having that chance to talk has cast new light on my suspicions that all is not well I must say.  He talked a bit about his last relationship and subsequent break up and how it made him realise that he had papered over some of the things that had happened to him during his younger years, and how those things were affecting his adult behaviours.  I only know in part about some of the things that Cameron endured at the hands of his abusive father, who ruled the roost with a rod of iron and dispensed justice with both fists.

Cameron said he had realised that in moving to Australia he was trying to fool himself that he had put the past behind him when in fact he had taken the past with him in some sort of invisible suitcase.  For a while, with a new and glossy life, he thought that he had found some semblance of peace and had prided himself of being able to get away and show people what he was made of.  Instead, he was beginning to realise that this was the coward’s way out and that the only person he had really deceived was himself.  It reminded me of the novel “Great Expectations” and a quote I read in that years ago.

I tried, subtly, to ask Cameron what had happened to his faith.  He and Andrew became Christians at about the same age but it seems clear that you have not really featured in his life for years.  One step at a time, Cameron told me.  Maybe he thinks he’s had his chance with you, Lord, and that chance is over.  Maybe his mind and heart are so chaotic he has no resources left with which to pray.  I don’t know.  So maybe I will pray for him instead, Lord, in case he is not able.  I suspect (rather nervously) that he has a big mountain to climb, Lord, so I pray you would help him take the next steps, and that we would know how to support him.

Anyway, better go.  I commit this to you in the name of Jesus…Amen.

Afternoon Lord.  Sorry about yesterday.  Cameron was around a lot of the day sorting out paperwork and making phone calls so there just didn’t seem a quiet and appropriate moment to drag out the prayer journal.  Still, if it helps Cameron find his feet (and the door) well I suppose it is a small price to pay.  I pray you would help him find a job, Lord, just as soon as possible.

Then there was Nathan.  Second day back at kindergarten on Tuesday and he’s already in trouble.  Some fuss about the sandpit and more water than was involved with the Flood.  Andrea (the junior kindergarten teacher) looked as though she could have cheerfully strangled him.  The head teacher was more understanding, but you’d think a kindergarten would be more used to the vagaries of boys, plus have some sort of sense of humour, for crying out loud.

Someone told me Andrea has infertility issues so maybe it’s all getting to her.  Mind you, it could be nature’s way of telling her she’s not ready for children – especially if that’s going to be her attitude.  I’ve tried explaining that Nathan just needs some set guidelines, but the problem is that his ideas and experimentation are usually way beyond what anyone would predict.  He’d probably go on in his adult life to invent something truly amazing – if it wasn’t for the fact that there scarcely seems a thing left to invent.  At least he isn’t vicious or vindictive in his intentions, and I think people really ought to bear that in mind.

Be with Nathan, Lord.  Help him to make wise choices.

Thank you for the wonder of hair dye – something that I will be needing by the bucket load by the time he reaches school age!

Amen