Afternoon Lord.  Well, it’s not often I miss the opportunity to write in my prayer journal on a Monday, but yesterday certainly did not go according to plan (as well you know) and neither has today.  Yesterday I thought I would pop to Caroline’s straight after dropping Nathan at kindy to see how she was and offer to help with the packing for a while, but in the end it felt like I was only there five minutes when kindy called to say Nathan wasn’t feeling very well and could I come back and take him home?

So of course I dutifully returned, muttering under my breath about kids and the ironies they present (like when you have something really important to do they come up with some unexplained lurgy – or how you take them to some twenty-four hour clinic in the middle of the night because they’re dying and as soon as you get there they start playing with the toys in the waiting room like there’s nothing wrong with them) but we were only home half an hour before Nathan started vomiting and for me to know with fervent certainty that he wasn’t faking.

I then arranged for Dad to pick Emily and Madison up from school and I could see as soon as they walked in the door that Emily was not looking the best – and sure enough she was only home an hour or so when she started to be sick too.  Now I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I really despise tummy bugs.  I know you’ve designed our bodies to work as they do but if there was one thing I would personally change it would be to eliminate vomiting.  (Okay, so I can think of a couple of other things I’d change as well but vomiting is definitely top of the list!)

Of course while Madison is as right as rain both my two are still home today and although both have stopped being sick they are very washed out.  They’re both having an afternoon rest at the moment – unheard of!  I pray you would have your healing hand upon them, Lord and that they would be up and about in no time.  I also pray for your hand of protection to be on Andrew and I (and Jess and Madison) that none of us would succumb to the terrors of the tummy.  I’m afraid that’s it for today, Lord.  I’ve had so little sleep I really need to rest now.  Bless Dad for taking Madison to school today and offering to bring her home again…Amen

Morning Lord!  Okay, so I’m feeling a bit more chipper this morning, and even though I still can’t claim to understand your plan or what it is that you’re up to, I do feel a lot less angry than I did yesterday.  I know I do need to confess my lack of faith/faithfulness in this area and pray you would forgive me my sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness for your namesake.  I pray that in time I would much more clearly see your face and understand your (most mysterious) ways.

Off to church this morning.  I pray for Daniel as he prepares to speak to us today, and I especially pray that things would be drama-free for him this morning – no ugly car park fights with mad mother-in-law parishioners, no trophy wife with ten tonnes of make-up and ten inch heels battling enraged Missions team leaders.  In short, I pray that everyone would keep a lid on their own agendas and try (as I am quite desperately trying) to understand your will and your plan.  Sometimes it seems to me as though Daniel speaks, people nod in agreement, we sing the closing song, we stand up, and every single word he’s uttered falls straight out of our heads with the effort of rising to our feet.

For myself, I feel as though this morning I need to come to terms with all that happened yesterday.  It turned out, as it happened, to be a “Day of Tears”.  I would be tempted to rename our house “The Well of Sorrows” but as you know not all of yesterday’s tears were sad ones, so I guess it’s hardly appropriate.

First up we had Madison’s tears, followed by Emily’s tears, followed by Jess’s tears.  For myself I am way past tears where the two girls are concerned, but for Jess it was the first time she had seen the pair of them have a really big bust-up and it clearly shocked her.  It started off, as it almost always does, with mild bickering, which preceded some mild tale-telling by Madison, which preceded some insult swapping, which preceded some all out yelling – and maybe even some physical Barbie hurling.  Quite who started it I don’t know, but I do (sadly) suspect it might have been Emily, trying to stake claim to her territory by bringing up some of the less savoury comments that circulate at school, and by withholding some of her prized possessions from Madison’s sweaty grasp.

Jess’s shock led to more revelations than I ever intended making, especially since all the blame seems to lie with Emily.  I felt as though I could hardly bring up my suspicions about the underlying vibe Madison has lately given me since, at this point, it is all suspicion only.  Instead I felt that all I could say in Emily’s defence was that it appears the girls’ friendship is not one of the lasting nature, and that as they have gotten older their (well, Emily’s) interests have widened in a way that Madison’s have not.  Jess then said she thought she would take Madison out somewhere (anywhere other than our house) and try and get to the bottom of it a bit more.  There was no accusation in her tone or expression, just confusion.  And in a way I couldn’t help thinking this all might be a good thing since it’s the most parental I’ve ever seen Jess – and not before time.  Anyway, when they came back I was none the wiser about what transpired between the two of them, but they both seemed calm and carried on as though nothing had happened.

Shortly after Jess departed, Caroline arrived.  Her parents were around at her house helping her pack and they had run out of boxes.  Quite where these boxes will be going is at this point unclear.  Caroline was ostensibly out to collect more but diverted to our house, at which point she burst into a huge flood of tears, punctuated by incomprehensible sentences that (I think) bemoaned her (very difficult) fate.  All I could do was hug her…and all I can do now is keeping praying for her that you would sort out her life for her, Lord, because it sure is in a mess.  I don’t think she left any more reassured than when she arrived, but I think getting rid of some of that pent up emotion sure helped a lot.

Not long after Caroline left, James and Jasmine arrived with the astounding news that James has proposed and Jasmine has accepted.  Jasmine was all teary as she showed me the ring and even I shed a tear or two – for Jasmine my tears were a mixture of happiness and “Are you really sure?” while for James my tears were all relief that for once in his sorry existence he actually got something right.  It struck me that a while ago I felt as though I really didn’t understand Jasmine, and always felt as though she held herself at arms length from me, but somehow, somewhere along the line things have changed.  I am heartily pleased she is going to be my sister-in-law and I pray you would have your hand on them in these next weeks and months as they make plans for the future.  The Wellington firm she interviewed for said there was no reason she could not still work here, as there’s the wonder of email plus she could always fly there to get work/deliver assignments as appropriate, so even that worked out.

Yikes!  I’ve just looked at the time and realise I have rambled way too long today.  Bless our time at church this morning!  I pray all in your mighty name…Amen

Morning Lord.  No exclamation mark today I’m afraid because, to be honest, I’m feeling quite peeved right now.  I was really hoping that you would pull one out of the bag for Caroline and save her house.  Instead there were just two buyers, one more interested than the other, bidding was lacklustre, and the house sold for a ridiculously low price.  This of course means that Caroline must move out (and in only two week’s time) and that the amount bid for the house is so low that it only just covers the outstanding debt.  Top this off with the fact that she has nowhere to go, no money to go with, three high maintenance children and a broken heart, and that is one very ugly picture.

I suppose what I can’t understand is why you would not intervene?  You don’t surely want Caroline’s life to be in ruins do you?  I’m not sure why you would ask so much of Caroline.  I’m not sure why my prayers would go unheeded.  Where is the way of escape?  Sometimes, Lord, I just don’t understand you at all.

Andrew says I should not get so worked up since he believes you do know what you are doing – and so should I.  He also said that if Caroline’s life was built on a lie it is surely better for that to be rectified than for the lie to continue being perpetrated.  On the other hand, to me it all feels unjust…unfair.  In short I’m feeling pouty today, a feeling I simply don’t know what to do with.

Andrew (the big know-all) says that I should keep praying and entrust everything to you, that in spite of my current viewpoint you do know what you’re doing.  He says (mutter mutter) that life is all about choices – that I can either choose to trust you or choose to turn my back on you.  He says I should stop praying for what I think is best and pray for what you know is best.  Only trouble is, I feel so mad/confused/slightly disillusioned that I’m not sure I’m capable of making any choices, let alone good choices.

Trouble is, not trusting you doesn’t seem like a choice at all.  This would be to turn my back on my very salvation and on our relationship.  I might be mad but I’m not prepared to throw it all away just like that.  So, Lord, I will make a choice – I will trust in you.  I will pray for you to sort things out for Caroline.  I will pray for you to remove this feeling inside me.  I will pray for your grace to understand all that you are doing.  I will pray in your name.  I will say Amen.

Morning Lord.  Well, another week is drawing to a close and only another four weeks remain before Easter and the next school holidays.  I’ve noticed the appearance of Easter Eggs and hot cross buns on the supermarket shelves which is a sure sign Easter is nearly upon us.  I can’t believe how fast the year is flying by already.

Thank you for the blessing of Bible Study yesterday.  I really enjoyed the study Libby had prepared about being salt and light.  It prompted a lot of discussion about the difficulties of sharing our faith with other people – what to say, how much to say, the whole living-by-example thing – and it was (from my perspective at least) most relieving to know that I’m not the only one who finds this area a huge challenge.  I’m not sure how relieving that is from your perspective, though, Lord.

Libby made some very interesting points about the nature of salt, how it adds flavour, how it preserves, but she also pointed out that in food a concentrated amount of salt has the ability to turn a flavoursome meal into an unpalatable one.  She suggested that some ‘bible bashers’ probably do more harm than good by just being too salty for their message to be ingested.  Instead she talked about the many references to good deeds there are in Scripture and the power that doing good deeds has on the world.  I was taken by one verse in particular (1 Peter 2: 12) that says:

“Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”

Libby also talked about how this relates to sharing our faith with our children and about the whole principle from Deuteronomy of talking about Scripture when we sit at home, when we walk along the road, when we lie down and when we get up.  I couldn’t help thinking that this is an area of weakness for me, perhaps compounded by the fact that I come from a non-Christian family and never saw this sort of example in action.  Not much of an excuse I suppose.

I also thought about whether my ‘good deeds’ would do much to convince even you of my sincerity, let alone the world’s roaming pagan population.  Even those things I do manage I execute under a small cloud of moaning and groaning.  It’s all food for thought, that’s for sure, but at least it was some small comfort to know that I’m not the only one who feels a bit pathetic as either salt or light.  In light terms I’m probably more of a ten watt bulb than a 100 watt bulb, but then, as Libby pointed out, we do all need to remember that you are the power source.

I had better get a move on now, but before I close I want to bring Caroline before you today, Lord, and ask for that miracle to occur so she can stay in her house.  I pray you would help her to remain as calm as possible through the day and leading up to the auction at 5 p.m. tonight.  I don’t want to deliberately wish ill on others, Lord, but if there is any chance of thwarting any potential buyers from getting there that would be great…sudden (quickly recoverable) illness, a missed bus, a small (harmless) fender bender, a paper cut…anything really.  I pray in your name…Amen

Morning Lord!  Bible Study day has swung around again and I thought I would begin by praying that your hand would be on our group today and that you would speak to me through the study.  For some reason I feel a bit out of step with you, as though I’m on some sort of wrong track, so would appreciate a bit of redirection if necessary.  I pray you would be with Libby as she prepares to host us and that you would help her have the right words to say to encourage us as mothers.  May we also be an encouragement to her.

Emboldened by last week’s good behaviour I am planning on taking Nathan again.  To this end I also pray that you would have your hand on his impulse control button and help him behave himself.  As far as I know he has managed to be good at kindy for the past few sessions (even though Andrea does keep giving me dirty looks when I come and go) so I pray that this pattern of behaviour could extend itself through today.

Sorry for the lack of prayer yesterday.  As you know (!) I went to Caroline’s yesterday morning to try and help her tidy up a bit in case the house does sell at tomorrow’s auction.  I must say she is quite a difficult person to help as she often refuses help when you offer it.  I tried to suggest doing this and that but she politely shook her head and said she would deal with it later.  If the house does sell there won’t be too many more of these ‘laters’, but I guess she’s still fervently hoping for a way of escape where this is concerned.  Bring on the miracle, I say.

Apart from the auction looming things are not going great with any of them.  Faith has been getting into trouble at school for talking back and goes to great pains to be of as little help to anyone as she can.  Reading between the lines, I also gathered that Faith has been not-so-subtly implying that Logan’s departure is all Caroline’s fault and I can see how hard Caroline is trying not to be hurt by such accusations.  Trinity is in absolute mourning at the loss of her piano and has now stopped speaking all together.  She’s spending vast amounts of time in her room simply staring into space which is not healthy, but Caroline is flummoxed as to what to do about it – and all the more so since Christian takes up so much of her time there’s little left for the other two.

As for Christian, his domination of the household routines is clearly taking its toll on Caroline who looks, frankly, haggard.  It scarcely seems possible that this tired, thin, almost bedraggled creature is the same one that made me burn with envy not nine months ago.  Even the house has a cowed look, as though it is trying to hold itself up out of his reach.  Every conceivable possession has been raised above his sphere of influence giving the house a sort of funny high-tide mark.

Anyway, I had better go.  I continue to pray for the Wests, that you would bring some redemption for Caroline, and fast.  If at all possible, I pray that that the house would not sell tomorrow, buying Caroline a bit more time, if nothing else.  Be with my family today, Lord.  As always (or perhaps not always enough) I continue to pray for the salvation of my children.  I lift all before you in your precious name…and hope I’m not so far distant from you that you can’t hear my prayers…Amen

Morning Lord.  Morning two of having the house to myself!  I almost feel guilty about finding enjoyment in such a small pleasure…almost, but not quite.  Of course I should be doing something super constructive like helping Caroline, or getting stuck in to some spring cleaning (six months late), or feeding the five thousand, but somehow I feel a bit too drained for any of those things.  Instead I’ll start with you and see where we go from there.

Things seemed a bit chaotic this morning in this house for some reason.  Andrew had to go early so was no help at all, while the three children seemed lethargic and hard to get motivated.  Not sure why.  The only person who was even remotely cheery was Jess.  She came home yesterday just buzzing about her new job, full of stories about the people she’s working with, and with the thrill of being there on opening day.  She says (perhaps a tad prematurely in my opinion) that it’s the best job she’s ever had.  Long may it last, I say.

This new good humour is in stark contrast to the last few weeks of depression she’s suffered and while it made for a nice change it did not make Jess any less oblivious to the tension in our house between Emily and Madison.  In a way this is my fault since I made the choice to not burden Jess further by constantly bringing up stories about the way the two girls are not getting on.  I also realised that the difficult thing about the whole situation is the fact that it is always Madison who comes out of these contretemps smelling like roses, while Emily is always the one at fault.  Because of this bringing things to Jess’s attention hardly seemed necessary since Madison wasn’t to blame.

But maybe things aren’t like they seem.  I don’t know if I’m right about this, but maybe Madison isn’t as sweet and innocent as I first thought.  Instead, I’m wondering if she is quite expert at manipulating a situation to get her own way.  Seven does seem a bit young to be so clever (if clever is the right word) but when Madison isn’t around, when Emily is with us or with other girls, Emily is a totally different child.  I just find myself suddenly not being as sympathetic towards Madison as I once was, something I don’t entirely understand.

The crux of it is that I feel I really need your help and discernment in this area.  Who knows how many more weeks Jess may need to be here before she properly finds her feet?  But for all concerned, Lord, I pray you would have your hand on this situation, and that you would especially look out for Emily at school.  This does remind me (cringe!) that I have been neglectful in praying for the salvation of my children so I lift both before you and pray you would bring them into a right relationship with you through your saving grace.  I also pray for both Jess and Madison – that you would work in both their lives to lead them into a place of light.

I’m not sure this makes much sense, Lord.  It’s all just a funny feeling.  All I can do is entrust it to you…in your name…Amen

Well, here I am at home, Lord!  No need to hide out in a café today!  Everyone is right where they should be, including a fidgeting Jess who left early this morning to be in town on time to start work.  It seems the downside of this new wonder job is the morning rush hour traffic which means Jess had to ask me to take Madison to school – something I’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks anyway.

Whatever the negatives are of this new job, at least it’s a start in the right direction; on the road to Jess and Madison regaining their independence.  I guess only time will tell how things will play out and in this regard I continue to commit them both to you and ask for your hand to be on them.  At the very least we have been a small port in the storm, and I will admit that we did manage to put on a very nice lunch after church yesterday and have a great afternoon of fun for Jess’s birthday.

Church yesterday was very interesting.  Cameron and Ashley were conspicuous only by their absence.  I could see Claire huffing and puffing like a dragon about the whole thing.  From what Andrew said, Claire is somewhat alarmed at the recent trend of them not being there.   It’s almost as though she’d rather that they were there and she was able to thoroughly disapprove than for them not to be there and for her imagination to get the better of her and her influence to be zero.

Claire wasn’t the only one to be breathing fire.  There seemed to be some ding-dong fight going on between Abigail and Sarah on the sidelines yesterday.  “Abigail the Airhead” (trophy wife extraordinaire) versus “Sarah the Saintly” (a woman with a mission to promote Mission).  According to Libby it all had something to do with Daniel and what Daniel had promised Sarah that was in direct conflict with something he had promised Abigail.

They were like the two women in 1 Kings 3 (although in this case neither Sarah or Abigail is a prostitute – and I say so in spite of Abigail’s dress sense) wanting to cut Daniel in half.  Luckily Daniel was wise enough to speak for himself and the whole matter was swept out of public view.  It did make me feel a continuing sorrow for Daniel who seems to have his head and heart in the right place where you are concerned, Lord, but seems to pay a heavy price for it.  I pray you would fortify Daniel and send him some encouragement – I suspect he badly needs it.

Meanwhile his talk was very good again, especially his explanation about John 15 and the vine and the branches.  It was a timely reminder to me of some of the things Daniel had said earlier about not relying on our own strength.  He talked about how we often think of ourselves as either displaying or not displaying the fruit of the Spirit and how we will often think,  “I need to work on being more…” (patient, loving, self controlled) as though we can manufacture these traits on our own.  John 15 makes it clear that this fruit comes from you.  It’s as you said in verse 5:

“I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

There’s that little word again: nothing.  Many of us don’t want to do ‘nothing’ but ironically often end up doing just that because we set about doing ‘things’ without you.  Instead, by letting you do the ‘things’ we end up achieving because the end result (the fruit) is from you.

Sorry I am so slow to learn this lesson.  I’m sure it’s one of the reasons I continue to stuff up so much.  I pray you would continue leading me onwards and teaching me.  I commit myself afresh to you, Lord.  Amen.